A Farewell To Star Wars

This post strikes me as simultaneously too late and too early. After all, I eventually gave up the kind of childhood love I had for the original trilogy long ago. However, the final stroke (I hope) of this mess come out later this month, and shouldn't I wait until I've done my time, sat through the movie, and finally had the opportunity for closure before I write my farewell?

No, I say, no. Not when I went to j-random web page and found myself looking at a web banner promoting a contest in which I can win the "Vader Viper".

Now, I'm not dumb. I know that the original trilogy basically invented tie-ins and merchandising. I remember driving my mom nuts looking for an FX-7 action figure before I had even seen Empire, because it was the last one to complete my set. We had all the Burger King glasses sets, and used them for years afterward. I would not be shocked to open my parents' cupboard and see that goofy ESB glass with the taun-taun on it. Coke always tasted better in that glass when I was a kid.

So, what's with the double-standard? Why do I begrudge the dark chocolate M&M's and the Vader Viper? The Lays potato chip and Pop-Tarts tie-ins?

Because I don't love you anymore, Star Wars. That's why. You'll forgive a lot of crap when you're in love with something. You overlook, explain away, or just find endearing all the flaws and craziness when you're in love.

When you just want something to be over, that shit grates on your nerves. Everywhere, the commercials, the "wow, isn't it all going to be exciting" festivities. So old. So far removed from what I loved when I was a kid. The simple story, the way it could give you hope or break your heart.

But I have to care about the characters in order to give a rat's ass what happens to them, and I don't. I genuinely liked Qui-Gon, and I thought his fate did hold some emotional weight. But what then? Huh? A lot of wooden characters with questionable or non-existent motives. A lot of plot turns not based on what the characters would do if you were to take them and wind them up and let them determine their own destinies, but because they were conceived, apparently, separately from the storyline they have been shoehorned into.

I once ate six boxes of cereal I didn't like to get a send-away action figure of a character I'd never seen before, because I was sure it wouldn't let me down. And it didn't. Boba Fett was kick ass, and he only ever said two or three words.

Long, drawn out, poorly written speeches about genocide, secret marriages, and Obi-Wan acting like someone's crotchety old aunt with rheumatism just haven't got it done for me.

You all have no idea how much I wish that wasn't true.