Friday, May 13, 2005

Faith

I'm not big on faith, as a general rule. If I'm not holding it in my hand right this bloody second, it pretty much doesn't exist in my universe. This is one of the many reasons I was reticent to take the great pregnancy leap of faith. Do you have any idea how much trust you have to have in the world to send another human being that you are 100% responsible for into it?

I mean, have you been in the world? It can really suck sometimes.

So here we are on another precipice that appears designed to test our faith in the future, the second round of layoffs that had our name on it. Now that I've got my toes in the faithy water, do I just jump in and allow myself to trust that it will all be okay? That maybe it even works out for the better?

Or do I allow the possibility to creep in that maybe things will be bad for awhile, and start planning for those worst case scenarios? Is there a way to have calm thoughts about losing your house, or wondering if you decide to sell this one and move somewhere else, will they even qualify us for the mortgage? And if not, where do you put all your stuff? And then don't you lose your ass on storage fees?

I feel odd discussing this stuff here, but it has to get out of my head and it's not like any of this is revolutionary. Anyone could figure out the process that you go through at this juncture. It's not like I'm giving away state secrets.

I had the oddest dream last night that I was a robot and scheduled for destruction (sort of a cross between A.I. and Robots) and I spent the whole dream just running. Trusting people were hiding me, finding out they had betrayed me, and then more running. I woke from that at 5:30 a.m. and was so exhausted, heart pounding and breathing hard, that I couldn't go back to sleep.

Maybe this all goes away in the next couple of days. Maybe this is just the knee jerk. Or maybe I'm just a jerk. Who knows. All I know is that I'm gonna be playing nice, soothing Brahms in the car on the way home tonight to try to counteract the craziness I put the baby through while I was dreaming last night. And then I plan to sleep the sleep of kings. If all goes well.

If all goes well.
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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Shit happens. Then, if you work at it, shit gets better. I guess that's the only way to put it.

I was just thinking last night about the time my mom had to work a night job cleaning the local laundramat -- the only time I've ever known her to hold a paying job, what with the raising of the four kids. I realize now that money must have been unusually tight at the time for her to take such a step, though I was too young at the time to understand.

Of course, now, 20 years later, they're well off financially without a care in the world. So, I'm thinking that in 5, 10, or 20 years, you guys will just look back on this as a relatively minor bump in the road and a story you can tell little Pavel.

If it makes you feel any better, keep in mind that my relatively (at least compared to you and Tom) undereducated ass has walked away from jobs three times -- the ultimate leap of faith, though, in hindsight, not the smartest -- and will be doing my third cross-country move shortly. I'm still here, so I imagine you will be, too. Not here here, that is. I mean, my apartment's not that big.

6:58 PM
GiromiDe said...

You have faith.

Of the heart.

*ducks*

9:59 PM
Shocho said...

I don't want to minimize what you said, because I know it was from the heart, and because I'm going through many of the same things. But my basic philosophy is to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Dream notwithstanding. I'm not sleeping well, but no creepy dreams yet. :)

9:24 AM

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