Trying to Spur On the Joy

I keep seeing talk about the 30 year anniversary of Star Wars happening this year, with the actual date of release soon upon us. In an effort to summon up something like the joy I used to feel when thinking about the trilogy, I present to you my personal thoughts of glee regarding one R2-D2.

So, you know how some shows and movies include characters who, in real life, would speak in strings of sailor-like profanities, but can't, due to FCC regulations or the desire to get a certain rating for a movie, right? Like they say "frack" (or is it "frak"?) on BSG, and "smeg" on Red Dwarf. It's my personal theory that George Lucas wanted to include a character like that in the trilogy, and got it in under the wire by making it R2-D2, who speaks only in beeps and whistles.

(I also believe Chewie is swearing, but that he doesn't have nearly the potty mouth of R2-D2.)

I present to you, a small selection of R2-D2, translated from droidese into unfiltered English:

From ESB:

THREEPIO: Don't try to blame me. I didn't ask you to turn on the thermal heater. I merely commented that it was freezing in the princess's chamber. But it's supposed to be freezing. How are we going to dry out all her clothes? I really don't know.

ARTOO: Listen, you big fucking metal girl...you're gonna have bigger fucking problems than some wet clothes in a minute, you big bitch.

and this classic, also from ESB:

Artoo stands in the falling snow.

ARTOO: Where the ever-loving fuck is he? I told that son of a bitch to come back early from that patrol, but does he listen? What a dumb fuck.

Threepio moves stiffly over to him.

THREEPIO: You must come along now, Artoo. There's really nothing more we can do. And my joints are freezing up.

ARTOO: He's fucked, isn't he? Shit.

Finally, I bring you this, from RoJ:

NINEDENINE (to a Gamorrean guard)
Guard! This protocol droid might be useful. Fit him with a restraining bolt and take him back to His Excellency's main audience chamber.

The guard shoves Threepio toward the door.

THREEPIO (disappearing)
Artoo, don't leave me! Ohhh!

ARTOO: Crissakes, Threepio. We work for a Jedi, you dumbshit. I'll be fine.

The door closes.

ARTOO: And as for you, you big bitch, I dare you to put me on the master's sail barge, you big pussy. Bet you don't have the balls, do you?

I can't believe I posted that.