Trying to Spur On the Joy

I keep seeing talk about the 30 year anniversary of Star Wars happening this year, with the actual date of release soon upon us. In an effort to summon up something like the joy I used to feel when thinking about the trilogy, I present to you my personal thoughts of glee regarding one R2-D2.

So, you know how some shows and movies include characters who, in real life, would speak in strings of sailor-like profanities, but can't, due to FCC regulations or the desire to get a certain rating for a movie, right? Like they say "frack" (or is it "frak"?) on BSG, and "smeg" on Red Dwarf. It's my personal theory that George Lucas wanted to include a character like that in the trilogy, and got it in under the wire by making it R2-D2, who speaks only in beeps and whistles.

(I also believe Chewie is swearing, but that he doesn't have nearly the potty mouth of R2-D2.)

I present to you, a small selection of R2-D2, translated from droidese into unfiltered English:

From ESB:

THREEPIO: Don't try to blame me. I didn't ask you to turn on the thermal heater. I merely commented that it was freezing in the princess's chamber. But it's supposed to be freezing. How are we going to dry out all her clothes? I really don't know.

ARTOO: Listen, you big fucking metal girl...you're gonna have bigger fucking problems than some wet clothes in a minute, you big bitch.

and this classic, also from ESB:

Artoo stands in the falling snow.

ARTOO: Where the ever-loving fuck is he? I told that son of a bitch to come back early from that patrol, but does he listen? What a dumb fuck.

Threepio moves stiffly over to him.

THREEPIO: You must come along now, Artoo. There's really nothing more we can do. And my joints are freezing up.

ARTOO: He's fucked, isn't he? Shit.

Finally, I bring you this, from RoJ:

NINEDENINE (to a Gamorrean guard)
Guard! This protocol droid might be useful. Fit him with a restraining bolt and take him back to His Excellency's main audience chamber.

The guard shoves Threepio toward the door.

THREEPIO (disappearing)
Artoo, don't leave me! Ohhh!

ARTOO: Crissakes, Threepio. We work for a Jedi, you dumbshit. I'll be fine.

The door closes.

ARTOO: And as for you, you big bitch, I dare you to put me on the master's sail barge, you big pussy. Bet you don't have the balls, do you?

I can't believe I posted that.

I don't think so

You know what, Inez? I don't think I will "confirm my mortgage G5N7" with you, even though you've been kind enough to contact me at my personal email address to ask me about it.

Is there really someone sending out their mortgage information after an unsolicited email from someone they've never heard of? Isn't the odd letter/number combo in the subject line enough to warn them off?

Honestly, I hover between wondering how spam possibly suckers anyone in anymore, to wondering why we don't get more of it, when I realize that the sheer amount of spam we all currently get is an indication that there are plenty of sheep out there waiting to be shorn.

And hey, it's not every day that you get to use the word "shorn", so I'll cut there.

A Basic, Modern Doorknob

I swear, this is an un-retouched screenshot of the doorknob article at Wikipedia, at least how it is right now.

ETA: I am not the one who edited the Wikipedia page.

Slate Reads Dr. Heimlich's Blog!

Do they? You be the judge. Maybe? Maybe not?

They're all right, though. We turned on the show in question when it moved to Wednesday and turned it off halfway through. I just ached with frustration at the "on rails" aspect of the show.

It's like the difference between driving a car on that ride at Disneyland and driving a real car on the real roads. Maybe it's exciting for people who don't know the difference, but it pales in comparison to the real experience.

How can something with George Takei suck? Did you guys see him in the William Shatner roast on Comedy Central? He was hilarious. On TGYH, he had his funniest moment when he first opened the door, stealing the opening line, and then they just put a knife in his heart. And that's to say nothing of the comics they have on the show who have actual improv credentials. How do they keep themselves from strangling the other actors (and I stress "actor" and not "improv participant") in the scene?

Frustrating.

Ruminations on Employment

I have not been employed outside the home since July of 2005, first in anticipation of having the baby, and then continuing as a stay-at-home mom (the infamous SAHM!) after she arrived.

I've thought a lot about what I'll do when she reaches an age where she's in school enough for me to go back to working either full or part time, and what I'll do. My resume is so full of different jobs and jobs for which I will no longer be qualified (because of changes in the field I wasn't there to adjust to) that I'll almost certainly have to go in a different direction.

After "running the house" for a little while, I've also wondered off and on how I'll react to being an employee again, assuming I go back to working for someone instead of doing something on my own, like re-starting my voice studio or singing at weddings and stuff like that.

I really questioned how I would react to literally being "bossed", and how any mom who stayed at home for a bit could do it. I'm used to being in charge at this point, at least of the baby and the things that are my domain, like paying the bills and that sort of stuff. The idea of someone looking over my shoulder and checking up on me irks me to no end.

However, since I started doing those transcripts I've written about, I've discovered a thing about working for someone else, even for the little micropayments I receive for that work, that I didn't realize I missed. As much as I hate to admit it, I really miss the pat on the head when I do something well.

The thing about staying home is that the person who is most effected by it sees you as completely transparent. You are literally just that lady that will always be there. Kids at this age hold out things for you to take and drop them, believing that you will OF COURSE get there in time to take it before it falls to the floor. You are the default, the expected, the unwavering and unerring.

That's great, of course, to be counted on and to be important, even if the person who needs you is completely unaware of the need. Sometimes, though, you know you did something well and you really want at least that glimmer of satisfaction in someone else's eye when they become aware of the job you did.

The transcriptions are really sort of becoming that for me. The last four I did, I got the best grade possible on them, and I really felt they deserved it. It doesn't equal a colossal amount of money, but it does equal the most amount of money that was possible to make from those little jobs.

That's nice, but somehow, seeing that top score when my grade comes through seemed a little cooler that the money that was deposited into my account. It's the satisfaction of being noticed. Maybe it's mostly people who were the youngest in their families who need this stuff, but I don't care. It's nice to have an outlet for that.

Toys That Make Babies Lose Their Damn Minds

I just got this toy when I found another item on Amazon that I wanted to get for the house. It brought me up to a total that got me free shipping, and I'd been considering getting her this toy anyway.

Worth every darn penny. It is quite a show.

And do you see that blue ball? Well, we don't anymore. It's missing. The toy never left the kitchen/living room, and I've turned everything upside down and I can't find it. I've already ordered three replacement sets from Playskool, so we'll have more cannon fodder soon. I'm sure the day they arrive, the missing blue ball will turn up as well.

I Did It!

Our house, prior to this Monday night, had a thermostat that should probably have been on display in the Smithsonian instead of plugged in on our wall, desperately attempting to regulate our house's temperature.

Well, when you stay home most of the time, save for excursions outside to play with the baby or run an errand, having it way too hot...way too cold...way too hot...etc. all day long is extremely irritating, and I'd had enough.

I took some of the money I've made from my transcriptions and handed it to Amazon in exchange for the modern programmable unit you see pictured here. I was hoping it would switch between heating and cooling on its own, but I was wrong about that. It does, however, keep the house temperate (upstairs and downstairs) all day long, after I've spent a couple of days tweaking the programmable settings for each section of the day.

The big trick was getting it installed. After putting a couple of ceiling fans into the house, I know that we sometimes have the correctly-colored wires there, but we also sometimes just have a couple of black wires there, and it's anyone's guess which one is which. I was relieved, after prying the old, "my edge has been painted over at least 100 times" thermostat off the wall, to see that the wires were correctly sheathed in colored plastic wire covers that indicated their function.

We switched off the power and I removed the old unit, and as the house started to get hot (this was just on the edge of our current cold snap) I set about connecting the new unit. After a run-in with the slightly vague manual that was included with the new thermostat, I looked at an updated one on the manufacturer's website and got confirmation on where I should hook up my red wire.

Hooked it up, switched it on, made my first guess at a programming scheme based on the temperatures we'd been trying to select on the old unit, and it was on and humming away. This was when we discovered how far off the old thermostat had been. All the temps we'd been setting it on that got us the best results with the old unit were completely different on the new unit. The new unit really seems to keep the house comfortable for the whole day, and it does so using less operating time, which means it's using less of my moolah to do it.

I am extremely pleased with the switch and I really wish we'd done it a year ago. It makes me want to go on a tear through the house, seeing what else is old and inefficient, costing us more money to run and doing a poor job of it, to boot. Look out, old appliances. I'm comin' for you.

Uh-Oh!

Our B doesn't so much believe in learning words that are labels for things, like "milk" or "ball". You know, stuff that could be useful when she needs to tell me she wants something. She does say "mama" and "dada", but that's as close as she comes to labels.

Instead, she has learned exclamations and general purpose words. We've given her credit for "hi", (actually, "hi hi!") "bye bye", (actually "eye eye" with the occasional 'b') "hey", "yay", "mmmmm", (for yummy foods) and most recently, "uh-oh!"

I didn't mean to teach her these things, other than "hi" and "bye". What she's learned is the stuff that gets repeated to her over and over. We say, "Hey! There's the baby!" and stuff like that when she's walking around, so she learned, "Hey!"

We say "yay!" when she does something we've been trying to teach her—important stuff like putting her blocks in her incrediblock or how to kick her tiny pink soccer ball (which she can do, and with intention, thank you very much!) So she learned "yay!" and even says it at the right times.

"Mmmm" is obvious, really. When we try to "sell" her a food that she might or might not like, she always got the "mmm", so now she says it when she eats something yummy. It comes more often as an echo, but sometimes she does it on her own.

"Uh-oh!" is the funny one. She says it a lot, but she gets a lot of opportunities to say it. Hardly a moment passes where she doesn't drop something she wanted to carry around, or has to try a few times to make something work. She used to get really frustrated when she wanted to do something and couldn't, so I started saying, "Uh-oh!" and telling her it was okay. Now she does the "Uh-oh!" on her own, and moves on with things.

It's all hilarious, though. Between all her actual exclamations and the squeaking and clapping and things, it's like having a little sound effects machine in the house. A tiny little sound effects machine that you have to feed and change, that is.

Truth in Baby Labeling Act of 2007

I can't believe anyone let us be parents.

Children of Men

No, this is not a "bad movies I like" post. This is a good movie that I had trouble watching.

I love Cuaron, learning his visual style from Harry Potter: Prisoner of Azkaban, but then finding his other stuff afterward. I'd heard great stuff about Children of Men, so we NetFlixed it.

It was great, but it's the sort of thing I have trouble making room for to let any of it in. I've been sitting here with my laptop on my lap looking at pictures of the B as a sort of inoculation to make it through. I almost went up to grab her out of her crib and hug her, but when you're the parent and not the kid, you have to control impulses like that.

In all fairness, I knew the general subject matter of the film, and I had an idea how unrelentingly dark it was. Gosh, though, I had no idea how realistic it would seem in the big picture stuff as well as the small picture stuff. This is really more of a horror movie for me, now, than some slasher pic with no plot.

Seriously, if you are made of stronger stuff than the Jell-O that having a baby has turned me into, I highly recommend the movie. It was troubling and disturbing, but only in that, "Yeah, we've got that in us, all right" sort of way. It was really hard to watch without looking away, but I mean that in a good way.