24, hour 22

So, when Tony and Michelle made up, shouldn't he have just turned back to her and said, "I'm totally dead, aren't I?"

The Fragments Flu

Dude, I never even worked there and I still have fragments. It seems things may happen very fast from this point on, and we may not have much notice or time to get misty-eyed. Lots of people in my fragments aren't even here still, and were cast-offs from the big D in one way or another, or are still there and are therefore staying while we almost assuredly leave.

So here goes:

I remember meeting Tom in person for the very first time at the Dagobah playtest. Asteroid Sanctuary is almost entirely my fault. Let's just not get into why.

I remember meeting Hollywood on a plane from Chicago on the way to Vale, back in 1996. We scarred the boy then and the damage still remains to this day.

I remember the morning email club. I moved my Mac to a table right next to my bed in the old Northern Virginia condo for it. That was the best.

I remember the trip to St. Louis and meeting CK and LWC, and nearly screwing it all up with LWC from the beginning. Thankfully, she's a forgiving soul.

I remember CK showing us And Now Before I Kill You Mr. Bond in that hotel on Northampton Boulevard when they first got here after big D brought him in.

I remember BK introducing me to Final Fantasy when he brought over FF VII when we used to get together at Tom's and my apartment over on Shore. He let me press X for approximately a half hour to get through a bunch of storyline stuff he'd already seen. Tom started playing it right after that, and I tried, but found it frustrating (this is before I discovered guides). Tom put a chair in front of that old, ugly blue and white couch he got from his parents and I would lay on that couch and watch him play like it was a movie. And it was, only better.

I remember beating Hollywood in sealed deck 2/3 times lifetime. And once with one too few cards in my deck. I, of course, would never have a chance against him in constructed anything, and probably would have gotten my ass kicked in sealed if the planets hadn't been aligned funny.

I remember poor Tim agreeing to play Sailor Moon CCG with Tom and me. That's major points.

I remember putting Jason's undead (who we didn't know was undead) paladin asleep with a roll of nearly all 6's while I went through everyone's stuff. This was before the beast took over that game and turned it into a really unpleasant acid trip.

I also remember CK, LWC, Jason, BK, Evan, and Tee and popcorn and gaming night and trips to the 7-11 for candy and Whoop Ass.

I can tell you now, I really never have played Acquire again since that last time, when I won. I really am retired.

This one is the trivia group, BK, Jason, CK, LWC, Evan and Tee: Noodles are the best, no no, can't deny, taste better than water, but don't ask me why.

Also for them: I'm looking for some sailors. Have you seen any sailors? You guys aren't sailors at all, are you?

Also for them: Minnesota lottery tickets. Lillian Vernon. Shake a Hamster Band.

I remember Evan counting the points so fast for Union Pacific that I couldn't even tell whether he was making it all up. Although he must not have been, because who would make Tom win most of the time?

I remember playing DDR next to Evan and the two of us coming within a thousand points of each other over and over. I especially remember AA starring Tsugaru standard with 8 greats and then Evan nearly toppling it. After that, I remember being on the second mat the first time he passed a 9, Tsugaru Apple Mix. I remember Tee telling me to just shut up and come over and DDR when I was too shy to play with anyone watching.

I remember Hollywood and trips to Munden Point Park. And the buffet. And the century.

I remember Girard and the duo Blackfathom Deeps. Kyle and my first trip to Booty Bay. CK and about a million two person endeavors, much of that time spent as wisps. Disasters in the Stockades. Glasskey Spiders. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Uldaman.

I'm forgetting so much stuff and that's why this took me a lot less time to write than it took to live this nine years we've spent here with all the wonderful people who've been here with us. I know some of us are still together, but that seems so ephemeral now, along with my memories of people who are already elsewhere, that this had to come out of my head now.

Faith

I'm not big on faith, as a general rule. If I'm not holding it in my hand right this bloody second, it pretty much doesn't exist in my universe. This is one of the many reasons I was reticent to take the great pregnancy leap of faith. Do you have any idea how much trust you have to have in the world to send another human being that you are 100% responsible for into it?

I mean, have you been in the world? It can really suck sometimes.

So here we are on another precipice that appears designed to test our faith in the future, the second round of layoffs that had our name on it. Now that I've got my toes in the faithy water, do I just jump in and allow myself to trust that it will all be okay? That maybe it even works out for the better?

Or do I allow the possibility to creep in that maybe things will be bad for awhile, and start planning for those worst case scenarios? Is there a way to have calm thoughts about losing your house, or wondering if you decide to sell this one and move somewhere else, will they even qualify us for the mortgage? And if not, where do you put all your stuff? And then don't you lose your ass on storage fees?

I feel odd discussing this stuff here, but it has to get out of my head and it's not like any of this is revolutionary. Anyone could figure out the process that you go through at this juncture. It's not like I'm giving away state secrets.

I had the oddest dream last night that I was a robot and scheduled for destruction (sort of a cross between A.I. and Robots) and I spent the whole dream just running. Trusting people were hiding me, finding out they had betrayed me, and then more running. I woke from that at 5:30 a.m. and was so exhausted, heart pounding and breathing hard, that I couldn't go back to sleep.

Maybe this all goes away in the next couple of days. Maybe this is just the knee jerk. Or maybe I'm just a jerk. Who knows. All I know is that I'm gonna be playing nice, soothing Brahms in the car on the way home tonight to try to counteract the craziness I put the baby through while I was dreaming last night. And then I plan to sleep the sleep of kings. If all goes well.

If all goes well.

To the Company Who Knows Who It Is

I hope you go up in the hideous ball of flaming disaster that you so richly deserve.

Reflections on Being Pregnant

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I have felt sick, I am not kidding you, about 60% of the time since the hunger for hot wings went away a couple of weeks ago. I can't sleep, both because I'm used to being medicated to do it and because I worry.

All the time.

I realize that's not "good for the baby", but I am a worrier and that's all there is to it. I worry about my family history, and that maybe we shouldn't have told anyone for a few months in case something happens. They warned me this wouldn't be easy for me, and they're right, in spades. It's not easy, in just about any way I can think of to describe it. I worry that I haven't been getting good enough nutrition, but when your body chucks just about everything back, I'm not sure what the alternative is.

Also, you get the most advice from people who either have never been pregnant, or were pregnant but didn't have the side effects that you do.

"Well, I never had morning sickness, but if you'd just eat about twenty ginger snaps as soon as you wake up in the morning, you'd be fine."

"Oh, honey, the worst will be over soon." - From a girl who's never been pregnant.

I know I'm being cranky. I know there are people who would give their left arm to be where I am. Be careful what you wish for. I was once told, many years ago, when I was in much worse health, that it might not be a realistic idea for me to have a baby.

That doesn't exactly help you get to sleep at night.

I'm sure it will all be fine, and even if it's not in the short term, it will be in the long. Or maybe a comet hits the earth tomorrow and none of it will matter. Shrug. Who can say? Not me. Just don't ask me about it at 4:15 in the morning.

A Farewell To Star Wars

This post strikes me as simultaneously too late and too early. After all, I eventually gave up the kind of childhood love I had for the original trilogy long ago. However, the final stroke (I hope) of this mess come out later this month, and shouldn't I wait until I've done my time, sat through the movie, and finally had the opportunity for closure before I write my farewell?

No, I say, no. Not when I went to j-random web page and found myself looking at a web banner promoting a contest in which I can win the "Vader Viper".

Now, I'm not dumb. I know that the original trilogy basically invented tie-ins and merchandising. I remember driving my mom nuts looking for an FX-7 action figure before I had even seen Empire, because it was the last one to complete my set. We had all the Burger King glasses sets, and used them for years afterward. I would not be shocked to open my parents' cupboard and see that goofy ESB glass with the taun-taun on it. Coke always tasted better in that glass when I was a kid.

So, what's with the double-standard? Why do I begrudge the dark chocolate M&M's and the Vader Viper? The Lays potato chip and Pop-Tarts tie-ins?

Because I don't love you anymore, Star Wars. That's why. You'll forgive a lot of crap when you're in love with something. You overlook, explain away, or just find endearing all the flaws and craziness when you're in love.

When you just want something to be over, that shit grates on your nerves. Everywhere, the commercials, the "wow, isn't it all going to be exciting" festivities. So old. So far removed from what I loved when I was a kid. The simple story, the way it could give you hope or break your heart.

But I have to care about the characters in order to give a rat's ass what happens to them, and I don't. I genuinely liked Qui-Gon, and I thought his fate did hold some emotional weight. But what then? Huh? A lot of wooden characters with questionable or non-existent motives. A lot of plot turns not based on what the characters would do if you were to take them and wind them up and let them determine their own destinies, but because they were conceived, apparently, separately from the storyline they have been shoehorned into.

I once ate six boxes of cereal I didn't like to get a send-away action figure of a character I'd never seen before, because I was sure it wouldn't let me down. And it didn't. Boba Fett was kick ass, and he only ever said two or three words.

Long, drawn out, poorly written speeches about genocide, secret marriages, and Obi-Wan acting like someone's crotchety old aunt with rheumatism just haven't got it done for me.

You all have no idea how much I wish that wasn't true.

Don't Go Breaking My Heart

5/3 VM spoilers ahead.

Oh, Logan.

Just when I think it's worked out, you just go breaking my heart again.

Please tell me you didn't know the cameras were there. Please tell me they are your sicko dad's, and you didn't even know. Please tell me that scene snippet I saw in the previews for next week means that you are going to explain things.

Why with the jumping to conclusions, V? Don't you know that Logan didn't build that house?

Plus, what the hell were you going to get drunk with him for there anyway? Didn't you learn anything? You forgave him for giving Duncan the GHB, but you assume he knew about the cameras?

I like the kissing much more than the drama. Please? PLEASE? My hormone are all over the place. Give an old lady a break, yeah?