Coke's Acidic, But Does It Make You Bitter?

Maybe it's just bitterness, because I can't justify the empty calories in regular, caffeine-free Coke, which is the only safe version of it while I'm pregnant (avoiding both Aspartame and caffeine) and I haven't had any for months (okay, I've had about eight sips here and there).

I hate the new "I'd like to buy the world a Coke" commercial.

When I hear, "And chill with it awhile" from that dude who looks and sounds exactly like he was plucked out of the early 90's bar scene (refugee from Singles) it makes me want to whimper.

That Christmas commercial, with all the people holding candles and standing in the shape of a Christmas tree, singing "I'd like to buy the world a Coke" was a classic.

I suppose I'm just not hip enough to 'get' the new version. I'll just nip off and become a Tyrannasaurus Rex, shall I?

The Science of Breakage

So I'm sitting here, happily using my laptop and surfing that crazy wave called the web. Suddenly, after no changes on my part, none of the sites I want to go to will resolve.

I restart, fiddle with a few things, double check that my wireless card is on (my laptop has a little switch on the front where you can turn the wireless card off--it's not impossible to flip it to off by accident) and still nothing. In fact, my browsers have started to give up immediately instead of trying to resolve the site.

I walked my dead tired ass into the office where there is a computer that is hard wired to the internet connection and everything is fine there. I reset the cable modem and the wireless router, just in case something got munged. Test the connection on the hard wired computer, everything's fine.

Walk back to the bedroom, check the connection. Nothing. Reset the wireless card. Nothing. Restart. Nothing.

Wait fifteen minutes. Go back, click on a few bookmarks. Nothing. Click on one more bookmark out of desperation. The bitch connects. Try the other ones. They all connect. Get mad. I didn't do anything to the computer in that fifteen minutes. I didn't do anything between clicking on the links that don't work and the one that suddenly did. WTF?

Then I came here to write this post. How do things break when there's been no change made to their state? Is there a freakly little timer built into the OS that determines when I get whacked and when things go back to normal, just to drive me insane?

I just. don't. get it.

See the World From Your Keyboard

You can read about Google Satellite images at Slashdot. I heartily recommend reading the comments to see what people have already found. Tom and I looked for about twenty minutes for Rio Jesus to no avail. A cookie to anyone who can find it.

As an aside, I found that looking at anything I'd actually stood next to in person from hundreds of miles up made me nauseous. I got vertigo looking at the Eiffel Tower (cool pic though) because I know how massive it is and it just didn't compute in my brain that I should be hovering so far above it. The pyramids? Never been there, so they were not a problem.

You really should go look at the pyramids, though. Interesting to see what's sprung up around them, and around what the mister believed was the Nile. (It could be the Mississippi for all I know. I refer you to the title of the blog for an explanation of my cluelessness.) If you can't figure out what the big thing just to the northeast of the pyramids is (with the open spaces cordoned off by dividers into neat little sections, you may have to zoom in a bit to get a better look) come on back and I'll post it in the comments in a day or so.

I Make Little Sense

I switched from the Today Show (sorry CK) this morning to NPR radio when the aforementioned perky morning show threatened to again talk about the star of the upcoming movie who is currently more famous for dating a girl from a WB drama than for acting. (Avoiding Google hits for either name. You know who I'm talking about.)

And now, here I am writing about that nutcase in my blog, because the mere act of switching morning entertainment because of him made me think about it some more.

I once worked the world's wackiest summer job, just before I left for college in 1990, selling dry cleaning discount cards door-to-door. I was average at it, making enough money to cover some expenses over the next year, but I had an absolutely terrible time with my co-workers. They were all devotees of the same "religion" that the aforementioned (or unmentioned) actor is also heavily involved in. They had a little chart up in the office keeping track of the levels they'd achieved, and they constantly talked about it when we were in the car driving to some neighborhood where we'd split up and flog our wares. I remember the greatest feeling of relief late that summer when they hired another new employee who wasn't a crazy person. I stuck with that guy for the next few weeks and we mercilessly made fun of them behind their backs.

I got the creepiest good luck card from them when I left at the end of the summer. I should have kept it but I put it in the trash as soon as I got home, the stuff they signed in it was so freaky.

I was a little curious about the details, I have to admit, because they were so darn secretive. When I bought a book called Bigger Secrets: More Than 125 Things They Prayed You'd Never Find Out, (link goes to a choice page from that book's ToC on Amazon--I get no kickback if you decide to buy it, just so you know) I have to admit that I was delighted to see the subject of what's going on behind all that smoke, mist, and volcano on those stupid commercials from the 1980's covered very well indeed. (Seriously, that book and its prequel are awesome if you're the curious sort. Peruse the rest of the ToC and see if you don't find it intriguing.)

Coming out against psychology and anti-depressants and bashing those who have found relief and happiness in one or both seems a bit rich coming from some yahoo who got roped into the brainless circus that is that particular ersatz religion.

This is why I can't ever see another movie that toon is in. It's not that I'm boycotting him, he's just so completely unbelievable a person to me that I can't possibly take him seriously in his trade. Honestly, if I found out my doctor or dentist was in the same cult as him, I'd switch there, too. This is why the mister will be looking for a movie buddy to see that particular flick, so you may want to drop him a comment or somethin'.

In the Groove: The Second Review

Okay, I've played an hour or two more now, and I have more/new observations.

My complaint about the arrows being too small was completely my fault. Somehow, the game was set on some weird arrow modifier mode called "hallway", and when I set it to "overhead", the arrows were much bigger and more satisfying. Operator error on that one.

When I said I didn't like any of the songs my first time through, I either missed a couple (I hadn't played every song yet, and still haven't) or a couple of them have grown on me. First, MC Frontalot is my new hero. I love The PA Theme and Which MC Was That? The words are so funny they make me mess up the steps. Just ask CK and LWC about that; I was swearing in their living room tonight when I screwed up after "9 sided-die" in one song and "more game than Wil Wheaton" in the other one. (snort) I also like Bouff. Lots of off-beat stuff there and it really keeps your mind awake.

I still really like the choreography in ItG in general. Moreso now that I've played it a little more.

(Keep in mind, please, that I can only play fives and sixes at the moment due to the bun in the oven. I am not qualified to judge on the sevens and up.)

The load times are still a drag. The credits after every set, still a drag. But I spose I can live with that. Still very fun, all in all.

Monopoly Live

Betcha it's still boring.

Monopoly Live.

Don't use your main email address if you sign up for this. According to some dude at Slashdot, this might generate some spam post-game.

Gatorade Fun Facts

There are some advantages to feeling so queasy that all you can get down is Ensure and Gatorade. For one thing, it meant I got to see the mister when he brought me the goods after I felt so sick this morning. For another thing, it means I get to read the fun fact on the Gatorade bottle:

In 2000, Mia Hamm wowed the Kansas City Chiefs players, coaches, and scouts with a placekicking display, nailing two straight tries from 50 yards and a 30-yard field goal with her left foot.

So why isn't she kicking in the NFL? Don't tell me it's because she's a girl. For crying out loud. Say it with me now: Most of the placekickers in the NFL are girls. So what's the difference?

I'd be thrilled if the Skins signed her. That would be about the best placekicking they've had in years.

Random Bits

I like both of the quotes Google gave me today:

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
- Aristotle

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'
- Isaac Asimov

Can someone fill me in on whatever some commentator said about Danica Patrick and an appliance of some kind? I tried to Google it but got nowhere.

You guys know those spiders in the Hinterlands in WoW? In case you don't, there are some big spiders which, when you kill them, have two tiny little pissant spiders emerge from them to do tiny little attacks that are mere nuisances until you can dispatch them. Well, I had a bad run there on my own last night, and ended up fighting two trolls in rapid succession followed by two spiders with no time outs in-between. These things are only about 2 levels lower than me, so it was rough. I did not mean to do this; I have been fighting no more than two at a time there for days and this was just a blip. I made it through the first three fights okay, but my pet (poor Hedwig) died at the beginning of the fourth battle. I had to melee the last spider, and it was a race to see which one of us could hold out longer. I had the tiniest sliver of health left at the end. I started to move the mouse to my potion (duh, forgot I had some potions on me during the battle) and one of the little broodlings hit me for 10 (10!) and killed me. Guh. So funny. In other WoW news, I'm now friendly with the Wildhammer Clan, but I have found no quests. I may have done it for naught.

When I got to work this morning, I found out that a busted water main had left us without water and sewer service. Telling a pregnant woman that she can't drink water or use the restroom for an indefinate amount of time is roughly comparable to, oh, say, being Charlie during the first half of the first season on Lost. (Drive Shaft. You know! "You are everybody! You are everybody!") I thought I was gonna have to call in Locke to zen me through it. Thankfully, the fine city repairmen got the water back up around 9:30 a.m. and all is well.

Review: In the Groove

Take the whole review with a grain of salt; I'm pregnant and not playing to the best of my ability.

Well, there are pros and cons.

Pros

It's a new dance pad game, with lots of songs I've never heard and steps I don't already know.

The choreography has a different feel to it than DDR. There are some combos and patterns I can't recall really seeing before very much. I assume this comes from having a different team of choreographers, which is more than fine by me.

The songs are longer, at least, I think they are. Their level 5-7 songs have between 230-280 steps in them, which seems a tad longer than your typical DDR song. For some, this would be a con, but sometimes the songs in DDR feel too short to me.

I like the timing on the sixteenth notes better in In the Groove than DDR. This is because I seem to hit them better in In the Groove. Since this is a personal characteristic, YMMV.

Finally, a dance game does what DDR should do in its next release. Color code the held steps. Don't make me guess whether I need to hit it with a quarter, eighth, or sixteenth timing. Just tell me by coding it appropriately. I don't know why DDR didn't do this from the beginning.

The backgrounds seem a lot less distracting so far. This could be because of a distinct lack of dancing bears and whatnot. Maybe I just haven't seen them yet, but I played about 30 songs and I don't remember seeing any.

The difficulty levels seem more advanced than DDR. Sevens are pretty darn hard. I only passed two of them on a sight read. However, I shouldn't really be doing sevens at the end of my first trimester, so perhaps my endurance is off. Lots of sixteenth patterns starting in the eights. This is a pro because I look forward to the challenge after I have the baby. More room to grow.

One word: mines. Neat addition. Every once in a while, they put a mine where an arrow should be and you lose life bar if you hit that arrow on that timing. It seems simple to avoid it, but the reflex to hit the direction if you see something on the screen is very strong after hours and hours of play. You really have to concentrate to avoid them, which is a good challenge.

Edit: Forgot to mention anything about the combos when I wrote this last night. ItG tracks combos across songs. If you end a song with a long combo and begin the next one, you continue the combo until you break it. I can't remember if the life bar started higher or not, though. It is neat to get really long combos and to be rewarded for being on a hot streak, so I like this.

Cons

LONG load/post-song times. I stared at a black TV monitor for long, long moments. This is a big, big drawback.

Songs aren't really memorable. Not, at least, to me. I turned off the game and found myself humming a DDR song that the last song I did reminded me of. Maybe I just know the DDR songs better, but none of the ItG songs really grabbed me.

The arrows are teeny tiny. Petite. The impolite way to say this is 'microscopic'. I have a hugemongous TV and my arrows were still tiny. Good luck playing on a smaller TV.

I found no way to bypass the credits after a set is done. This is tedious for the power ItG player. When I play, it's for 45 minutes to an hour. It sucks to make me go past your credit scroll six or seven times.

It is possible to avoid the pressing-start-past-the-credits issue if you play in workout mode, which is actually okay by me. I don't know about those calorie counts, though. I used to burn about 120 calories over a set of five DDR eight or nines. I did ItG workout mode (with an input of my weight, which should normalize the calorie counts) for fifteen minutes and it reported that I burned almost 500 calories. Considering that I only did about eight or nine songs in that time, it seems unlikely that both games are right. So, someone's wrong here, but I can't say which.

One word: hands. I am not a fan of this addition, but I do acknowledge that you can turn it off. ItG introduces three arrow combos, where you use both feet and one hand. I am not this coordinated, and I'm not sure that most home pads are up to it. I've tried to hit arrows with my hands when I was feeling cheeky in DDR, and it usually didn't register.

Edit: I originally forgot to mention the grading system. ItG uses some sort of Harry Potter OWLs grading system where A is some sort of middling grade. It keeps track of a percentage for you as you do the song, and then awards you a grade at the end which I assume is based off the percentage. I got an A+ with a high 80% score, and I thought, "WTF?" Then I did another song and had a 96.something percent, and got an S or an S+. S? What the heck does S stand for? "So good?" "S'alright?" Then I got a full combo on another song and got a star. I don't get it, and I don't think it's explained in the rulebook (although perhaps I missed it).

That's all I've got for the moment. I know there are a whole list of cons there, but all in all I'm happy with the game. At $40, it's an even better game than the list makes it appear. :)

Self-Destruct

Am I a terrible, horrible, destructive person because I love watching the pure entropy of a situation destined to blow itself up?

I just watched a master at work. She put a flame to the wick and we all watched it travel up toward the stick of dynamite...blammo!

I would probably have been uncomfortable in that situation a few years ago, but there's something about watching the person who will inevitably try to use you as a scapegoat blow up and then have to back down that I find so rewarding. Especially the part where he thanked her at the end! The best. ever.

I may never have professionally associated with someone who so completely has my back before now. It's too bad it's necessary, but at least we're having fun with it.

Don't feel too bad for the stick of dynamite. I have it on good authority that all dynamite has it coming. Which puts me in the mind of Chicago.

He had it comin'
He had it comin'
He only had himself to blame
If you'da been there
If you'da seen it
I think that you would have done the same

Rip Van Kathy

So, I fell asleep last night at 8:30 and didn't wake up until 6:45. Weird. I probably got at least six or seven hours the night before, but boy was I sacked out last night.

I feel like I was just here at work, and now here I am again. Two hours down though, so yay.

I even remember Tom coming to bed and saying something to me, but I don't know what time that was. I also woke up briefly at 3:00 and again at 5:30 for trips to the little girls' room, and at 5:30 I figured I was up. That was nine hours of sleep, after all. I went back to bed and thought I would probably still be awake and I'd just grab my laptop and surf until it was time to get up.

Then the next thing I knew, an hour had passed.

I feel oddly alert today, as though what I really need every night is ten hours of sleep. Which is just not practical. For heaven's sake, when will I watch shitty summer reality television shows if I'm too busy sleeping?

Headlines from venerable institutions

I do so hate to be the grammar police, but this is just sloppy. A real headline from the NYT today, according to my Google news page:

Michael Jackson Cleared After 14-Week Child Molesting Trial

Someone arrest that trial! It's molesting a child!

Psst. NYT. Why don't you worry less about making me remember a freaking free login to read your newspaper online and more about writing headlines that actually mean what you want them to mean. The modifier you're looking for is "molestation", not "molesting". You are currently modifying the word trial, and not the word child.

It makes a big difference to the meaning of the sentence.

In other news, I highly recommend the new Google customized news/entertainment page, especially if you have a gmail account. (And if you don't and you want one, I have some invites, just let me know.) I especially like the quote of the day. So much so that I actually asked it to show me two quotes of the day, which ruins the "of the day" idea, but there you go. Today my favorite of the two is this one:

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
- Vince Lombardi

Which reminds me, I should get to work.

teh n3\/\/ 1337 LOLOMG R0X0R WTF!!!!!111!!

After spending some time on the World of Warcraft forums (note: This is not a plug for other WoW players to do this--I actually heartily recommend against it. It's usually a total downer but it helps me pass the time when I am waiting for large printouts at work and one thread's worth of reading is usually about as much time as I have.) I have finally figured out some of the acronyms and found some funny kiddie netspeak shortcuts.

FTW drove me nuts for the longest time. I could not, COULD NOT, figure it out from context. I finally availed myself of Google, which informed me that it is most probably "For The Win". As in, "Re-spec to 31 Marksmanship FTW, fellow hunters", or more annoyingly, "Re-roll Mage/Priest/Rogue/Warrior FTW."

Who came up with this "For the Win" nonsense? It's not like it's a common phrase like most of the other internet acronyms. I mean, if someone's driving really slow in front of you, do you roll down your window and shout, "Drive the speed limit at least, for the win!"

Also, the spelling of the already colorfully mispelled "noob" has now morphed to "nub" in most circles. I have not checked to see if has similarly changed outside the WoW forums, but "nub", to anyone who's ever read a Harlequin romance novel, tends to put an altogether different image in my head. And it usually has nothing to do with a lack of experience.

I just saw my favorite one, which I would probably start using if the idea of using aolspeek kiddie shortcut-o-rama didn't make me almost as queasy as the thought of eating before 1:00 p.m. At the end of a post angrily attacking the 'views' of an obvious troll on the hunter forums (which are about 37% troll these days, and I don't mean the Horde race) came the rather delightfully dismissive closing, "kthx", which I think could only have been made better as, "kthxbye" or possibly "kthxby" to get in that all important creative spelling requirement FTW.

Which reminds me, parenthetically, of an atheist friend of mine in college who used to sign off her summer letters to me with "Yours in Christ", which is probably still my most favorite closing, but kthx is coming up fast.

kthx. Kathy<--noob (can't get into the new spelling, even FTW)

Excited

Yes, I feel much better than I did last night now. I am trying, as CK suggested, to simply decide to be optimisitic. I spent most of my youth being a pessimist, and if anyone asked me why, I used to tell them that only pessimists can be pleasantly surprised. If you're an optimist, you're expecting the best outcome, so any surprise for you will be a bad one.

People would regularly point out to me that I was spending a lot of time being negative on the chance of getting a momentary pleasant surprise, but it never really sank in. Today, I turn over the new leaf. Just don't expect, like, consistency or anything.

The main reason for my excitement is that my husband is in a car again, and this time, it is getting closer to me rather than further away. Yes, it will take fifteen hours. That is the bad news. I realize this. But the good news is that it will only take fifteen hours, and then it will be over. This is a good thing.

The bad thing is that I've accomplished very little of what I wanted to do while he was gone. I wanted to put some things on eBay, but as someone took the digital camera with him, I couldn't really do that. (Ahem.) However, that is no excuse for not currently having the laundry folded. Hopefully I can squeeze that in after work, as it would be pretty embarassing to be in the house for days and still have a laundry basket full of unfolded clothes.

Urk. Me=slob. But an excited one!

Totally Hysterical

Avast ye Six Feet Under spoilers ahoy.

The irony of the title of this post just hit me. "Hysterical" comes from the same root as "hysterectomy". In fact, here's what I just looked up on my ol' friend the internet:

...the origin of the term "hysterical" which derived from the ancient belief that a woman's uterus traveled throughout her body and caused "the choking sensation sometimes experienced by hysterics."

You know, since only women can be hysterical.

Anyway, I'm way off my point.

I had Six Feet Under on my TiVo since sometime in the middle of the night last night. I TiVo something else during its first run showing, so I had to wait for the sophomore showing. I woke up a little early this morning and I was going to watch it, but I messed around on the internet instead. I cannot express to you how glad I am that I didn't.

I wish I'd seen some spoilers. E mentioned it a little, but it was brief and I didn't really think about it too much.

I got pulled in early. Nate walks through a room in one of the first scenes with some coffee and Brenda nearly gags at the smell of the coffee. (Was she pregnant at the end of last season? I don't think so. Or at least, I don't remember.) I knew right away that she was pregnant. I can be two or three rooms away from a food when I'm feeling sick and the smell from that far away can set me off into fits of near vomiting. (And sometimes, I leave out the "near" part.) Tom had some ribs a few weeks ago that I can still smell, and I have no idea when I'll ever eat them again, the memory makes me feel so queasy.

They dropped several more hints, and then just started to talk about it. Claire bitches about going over to a "pregnant house" and that they should bring wine because, in a pregnant house, they may have forgotten that normal people still drink. That made me a little self-conscious. I know the baby has dominated a lot of my casual conversations recently, and I also know that I've spent a lot of my younger years rolling my eyes at people who don't seem to have anything to talk about other than their kids. I knew that getting pregnant would kill that Kathy for good, but it's weird to be on this side of it and remember what it was like on the other side so clearly.

But boy, am I writing around the point.

When Brenda woke up with the blood, I think my heart might have stopped. You have weird dreams when you're pregnant, especially in the first trimester, and I had one a couple of weeks ago that was extremely grisly. It all came back when Brenda's hand was covered in red and she just looked at it with this clear horror in her eyes.

Then I heard the nurse say "D and C", I actually started crying. I just don't cry at fiction. It's quite rare, anyway. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but part of me, knowing I wouldn't have known what the heck a D and C was before I had reason to read What to Expect When You're Expecting. I felt like I was in on the secret, like I knew before most other people would know what that meant. (Linked above for any of you who don't know what I'm talking about.)

When it became clear that it would be days before they could do the D and C, and that Brenda would have to go through her wedding post-miscarriage but pre-D and C, I kept telling myself to press stop. I just couldn't, though. It was the proverbial car wreck that you can't look away from. I had to see if she made it. I couldn't imagine it. How do you stand there knowing your dead baby is there with you?

If you watch the show, you know how many deaths there are. Every damn show starts with some anonymous death. Tom and I used to make a little bet about the age, sex, and type of death it would be. See? I know it's fiction.

I watched it all the way to the end, including the excruciating scene at the end with Brenda and Nate, in which Brenda says something so raw about what's happening to her that I literally cannot type the letters. It also happens to be exactly the same horrified thought I had as soon as my brain wrapped around what, precisely, was going on.

I watched that stupid episode at 6:00, and I just pulled myself back together about a half hour ago. I don't think this is normal.

I mean, fuck. Does anyone do this and not spend the whole nine months just terrified that something will go wrong? I've been in this fricking house alone for too long.

For those of you who are just horrified to have read all this, my apologies. I know some of you won't be altogether comfortable with this, but hopefully you've already trundled off and haven't even made it this far. What can I say? Maybe I'll be funny in the next post.

I'm a grown up

A situation just occurred in which the younger Kathy would have blown up and started more of a fight than was absolutely necessary in order to resolve the conflict.

I kept my head, repeated the facts as I knew them, backed it up with evidence that anyone with a brain can acknowledge (it's hard to fuck something up before you were even associated with the organization in question...that would be one heck of a screw up).

You know, not losing your head and saying something irrelevant (but immediately satisfying) makes everything even more blissfully satisfying in the end. Nothing better than staying calm, having the other person yell, "Prove it!" at you, and then you take about 14 seconds to produce the paperwork that shows clearly what a dumbass they are.

I love getting someone else in trouble after they've gone out of their way to try to set me up. I never meant any trouble for you. You invited it. You created it. Have fun swimming neck-deep in it.

Revenge is good. Cold, calm revenge is better.

Adventures in Maternity Clothing

I went to the mall last Friday night, because all of my current pairs of pants that I could wear to work all made me want to cry. I'm not that big yet, but I'm big enough to make myself uncomfortable. Worst of all possible situations, really, because that means you have to wear maternity clothes but you are not really big enough to fill them out yet. This means you look silly, or that you are in a Halloween costume and you forgot the pillow.

Speaking of pillows.

I went to the actual maternity store this time, because I heard they have good sales and this is the change of season sale time. What I heard was right, actually. Whole back half of the store was full of sale racks. However, the old adage, "there's a reason it's on the sale rack" was never more true, except for a few select items.

One of the nice women who was working in the store started a dressing room for me, and when I finally gave up looking and decided to start tryin' on, I found my selections, plus a goofy little pillow thing with a long velcro strap attached to it.

I actually giggled out loud when I realized what it was. It's a pretend baby, really, that you can use when you're in your first trimester. It's so you can see if the clothes will still fit you in the second and third trimesters, and to help you pick out pants early that you'll find comfortable later. There are a lot of different ways to approach the waistband issue, and most women like one and dislike the others, depending on what makes them comfortable.

I scoured the internet looking for a picture of the tummy try on pillow to go along with this post, and I was amused to see, among the pages that talk about how to use a pillow to help you sleep in the latter two trimesters, there was also at least one naughty site talking about using pillows for personal gratification. Ha.

Kathy = Big, Lazy, Pregnant, Slob

I have a perfectly good, pregnancy-safe, aerobic workout DVD. I have done it four times. I have known I was pregnant for over a month. That's 26 slack off days.

I used to ride pretty much every day. What the eff happened?

I mean, yes. I'm tired. Exhausted most of the time. My back hurts. (yadda yadda, complain complain)

There are two main reasons. They are these: the DVD both annoys and frightens me.

It annoys me because the host, who is approximately 3,000 months pregnant at the time of the filming, keeps saying stuff like, "Four more for your baby!" Which is emotional blackmail, to my way of thinking. Which means, "Don't slack off, or you're basically giving up on your child! Look at you, you're a terrible mother already!"

It frightens me, because, did I mention? The host is PREGNANT. Not, you know. Pregnant. She is huge. Massive. She was clearly a tiny, athletic woman pre-pregnancy, and when she filmed the video, a comically large, round object was jutting out not only from her stomach, but through her back. Her back, just by the base of the spine, is rounded outward. Convex.

I paused it the first time I did it when she was turned sideways, and then again when she turned toward the camera. There is no way that woman had that baby the traditional way. That baby had to have torn her in half. It is ridiculous to consider otherwise. Don't give me that "it's a miracle what our bodies are capable of" bullcrap. There are miracles, and then there are the standard, unbreakable laws of space/time and physics.

I'm not that tiny, but I'm not so big either. Not small-boned, but my wrists are pretty small. I've never, call me crazy, considered the relative size of my pelvic bones compared to the average woman, nor do I really care to do any investigating on that. Suffice it to say, if I end up looking anything like the host of that DVD of mine, they're going to have to find some sort of major anxiety medication I can take in my third trimester that's safe for the baby.